Cinema Digest 2013 – Week 5

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
hansel-and-gretel-witch-hunters

It’s a scientific fact: if that title gets you excited, you’re a 13 year old boy. You’re probably also the same 13 year old boy that wrote this. I can’t think of another explanation for why this movie is so so dumb. The entirety of the plot, including every single twist, is telegraphed about three months in advance of it happening on screen. Even dumber than having fully automatic guns in a medieval period, Hansel, because he was fed so much candy by the witch at the beginning, now has diabetes and has to take insulin shots or he will die within five minutes. I shit you not. This isn’t a gag or one-off joke. It plays a big part in the climax and you can probably guess exactly how. Beyond the idiotic story, there’s zero chemistry between Jeremy Renner and Gemma ArtertonRenner in particular was clearly having a terrible time making this and very rarely even looks at Arterton even though they’re supposed to be close-knit siblings. The only good thing I can say about the film is that it uses a good amount of practical special effects including a big troll character but there’s also a huge amount of horrible looking CG. Go hunting for a better movie than this one.

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Parker (2013)
parker

Or: JASON STATHAM Part XXIX starring Jason Statham as Jason Statham. At this point, you can’t really go into a Statham movie expecting anything more than the usual and this is very much the usual. Statham‘s character is a thief with a code of honor and when he’s left for dead by his partners in crime, he vows vengeance upon them. It’s fairly standard stuff and done without innovation or interest. Some of the fight scenes are pretty good and Statham has still got that dependable swagger and charisma (even if it is wearing thin at this point). On the other hand, Jennifer Lopez feels like she was dropped in from a completely different movie. She doesn’t show up until about 30 or 40 minutes in, her character serves little purpose (in fact, her usefulness has run its course after 10 minutes), and any time we spend with her just saps all the momentum out of the film. Had it not been for her, we would have had a very tight, somewhat enjoyable 90 minute movie instead of the bloated, tonally jumbled 118 minutes.

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Movie 43 (2013)
movie 43

No. Just no. I’ll only say this because I know I’m going to get into this movie a lot more at the end of the year when I’m making my “worst of” list for 2013 (yes, it already has a guaranteed place): being offensive, in and of itself, is not funny. Movie 43 is not funny and makes no effort to be but it sure wants to be offensive.

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